I don’t think you have to be “in love” to have a good marriage, but love and care and solid friendship are, in my mind, essential. If I were to define “in love” I might say that euphoric, ecstatic feeling that one has when one is with someone for whom one feels in love with; one can also have that same feeling for a beloved pet or activity (have personally felt this in love feeling for people, pets, activities). I currently have this in love feeling for my son and my pets.
I’ve seen many good marriages between people who love each other, are friends, but have also done what I think of as “coming to terms with each other.” Where they see each other as a couple and as part of a larger family, but they have also come into their own as individuals and don’t need that special togetherness or “coupleness”.
My thought (or mantra) for today: “I am motivated to love, be loved, express love, and discover love.”
Yesterday over lunch I had a small conflict with a friend where I commented to her that I felt like I was irritating her a lot lately and that she was criticizing me. I know what was irritating her: the fact that at lunch, I tend to micro-manage what’s going on. I’m mother henning, I’m herding them. It irritates her. I don’t blame her for being irritated. I’m completely aware of what I’m doing.
So yesterday, we had a large group of people and we had to have two separate tables, and so I was trying to make sure everyone knew we had two tables and get everyone seated. Also, while we were waiting, the hostess kept asking us not to congregate in front of her hostess stand. So at one point I made motions for everyone to move away from the stand and my friend got really upset with all my motioning. I think she thought it was directly aimed at her, which of course it was not.
There was another lunch that we all had where one person was upset at where she was sitting, she changed places a couple of times, was still upset with her location, and I think I made some kind of comment to her along the lines of needing to “make do” with her seating arrangement….and my friend who has been irritated with me talked very firmly with about just letting people be. I guess she’s right….I probably should just let people be.
So what does this have to do with LOVE? I think I need to consider that LOVE might mean a better acceptance of people’s behavior, issues, quirks, dynamics, etc. That loving a person or a group of people doesn’t mean mother henning them. Or being brutally honest with them. That I should back off of micro-managing group dynamics.
“The nature of the Universe is Love.” Do you agree or disagree? What do you think is the nature of the Universe? Does the Universe even have a “nature”?
the basic or inherent features of something, especially when seen as characteristic of it.
“helping them to realize the nature of their problems”
synonyms: essence, inherent/basic/essential qualities, inherent/basic/essential features
A friend wrote back to me on this and said: “No. Love is a human construction. To say the universe is love is to mangle the definition of “love” beyond all recognition. The universe is everything, it is vastness, it is beyond our capacity to describe, and it was not created for our benefit. I wouldn’t presume to limit the universe by describing it with a word as insipid as “love.”
Interesting comment. I don’t think of love as being insipid. Love is not dull, boring or lacking in flavor! Love can be all things: it can be exciting, savory, spicy, active, refreshing, motivating, etc.
Another friend responded to this quote: “I believe that nature has a balance. If it is all love then how would we know what love actually is?” To which I replied: “So, we need to know hate in order to love?”
My friend LB jumped in with “NOOOOO hate is wrong!” I think she didn’t pick up on the “balance” part! To know love, one must also know hate. We know the light because we know the darkness. We are known just as much by what we hate as much as what we love. She was thinking Biblically, that the Bible tells us to love — but to me that’s more New Testament. The Old Testament has a lot of hate and anger and all the darker emotions in it.
Final Thoughts from my friends:
- TLB wrote: The nature of the Universe is evolution.
- RS wrote: [The nature of the Universe is] Constant change.
- SE wrote: “It is humans that seek balance and need balance.“
Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.
This is a famous quote from the novel and movie “Love Story” by Erich Segal. How do you feel about this quote? Is it true? Is it not true? It begs a discussion about what love means and the value of apologizing.
Well, you could say that it only means something in context of the novel that the quote came from. But I disagree with it. Saying sorry is very important, whether you love the person or not. The actual quote is “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” and I emphatically do not believe that that is “what love means”
Love is soooo many things — it can be tough, kind, cruel, compassionate, nurturing. It is a feeling, an attitude, an action. It is commitment in tough times. It is gratitude in easy times. It embraces a person’s gifts but more importantly in embraces a person’s faults. To love is to know the *whole* person — the good, the bad, and the ugly !!!
I had to learn more about love the hard way — that it is not about sex at all or what the guy can do for me (in my teens and 20’s I had a very skewed idea of what love meant). Thanks to age, maturity, wisdom, experience — I am changed and my definition and ability to love has accordingly changed. I hope to always live up to the best of what LOVE in the grandest sense offers. I love being better able to see the whole person and accept them as a complete individual.
Also: people who can’t or won’t or think they don’t have to apologize suffer from a personality disorder. Apologizing — showing remorse and regret — is a fundamental human trait. It shows that we connect with another person’s feelings and understand that we have wounded them. We are at our fullest as human beings when we can understand another person’s perspective and feelings.
John Lennon said: “Love means having to say sorry every 15 minutes.”
Apologizing doesn’t mean that you are wrong and the other person is right. It just means that your relationship with the person is more important to you than your own ego.